We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
