i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
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