Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Randomize
