I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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