So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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