closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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