I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
COCAINE IS GR8
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