he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
