I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
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