your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Randomize
