Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
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