Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
