Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
