im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
