she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize