is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
