That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Randomize
