Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Randomize
