when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
