You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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