I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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