I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
Randomize
