Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
