Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Sext me about skeletons
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
