Swine flu. Run for my life!
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Randomize
