I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Randomize
