nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
