Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
