i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
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