How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
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