I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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