i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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