Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
