Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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