why didn't you poke me back
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
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