i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
So squirting runs in the family.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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