I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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