Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
