Already got asked if we're dating
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Randomize
