3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
