she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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