just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
