We're like a lot better than the average bears
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
