I feel like I'm in dance class right now
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
