you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Less talking, more tequila
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
