She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
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