I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Randomize
