I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
