Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
