Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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