I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
