Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
