Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
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