Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
