You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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