A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Randomize