from now on my penis is your penis
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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