awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Randomize
