WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Randomize
