hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
