in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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