I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
