WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
We need to rekindle our bromance
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Randomize
