capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
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