He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Randomize
