he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
