Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
